I've been reading the runaway bestseller by Francis Chan called "Crazy Love", and it has been smacking me upside the head like I haven't been smacked for a long time. You see, I've been getting lazy lately. Spiritually lazy. I turned 50 a couple of years ago, and have found myself increasingly stepping back from the spiritual passion that consumed me in my younger years (including this blog). "Been there. Done that. Feeling bored."
Part of it, I think, was the death of my father. I've been examining his life for him as I carry on without him. And I have secretly wondered what it all added up to. There's so many things he DIDN'T do; trips he never went on; risks he never dared take; experiences that passed him by; and we buried him an elderly man who hadn't lived life to the fullest. And now, with the sand running out of my own jar, my flesh is knocking on my heart and asking, "do you want to die like that too?" So I've spent the last two years pulling back from many of my spiritual commitments and resting on my laurels, even seeking worldly things that I had long ago abandoned in pursuit of my ministry and faith. I've also been far too concerned about turning people's attention to me as a person, instead of to God....something I couldn't have cared less about ten years ago.
Thankfully Chan has clubbed me over the head with this book. "Life isn't about you", he says. "This movie we're all in is about God, and you're just a bit player. You're just a two-second clip in the drama, and all we'll ever see is the back of your head anyway; trust me, no one will care about your role; no one will remember you. Fifty years from now everyone will forget that you ever existed." Harsh? Yup. Necessary? Yep, again.
That was brought painfully home to me last summer when my wife and I attended the 50th anniversary celebration of our first church, a little country parish. We had pastored there for three and a half years, and I thought I'd made a pretty big splash. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. I breezed through the door figuring everyone would celebrate my return. But not only was I NOT fawned all over, the reception from my old parishioners was decidedly cold, and many of the people from the community couldn't even remember me (it was only 18 yrs ago for crying out loud). I came home with my ego pretty badly wounded. But it only served to feed my vanity: "Maybe if I lose more weight here at my home church? Maybe if I change my hairstyle? Maybe if I'm larger than life this time 'round I won't be forgotten?" Stupid!!!
Chan says: "the point of your life isn't to promote you; it's to point to Christ! All that matters is the reality of who we are before God!" How did I forget that? How did I lose my way? I'm a pastor, for crying out loud. This used to be my passion.
I'm staring at my father's picture as I write this. Man, I miss him, but I know that fewer and fewer people think of him anymore. His legacy is fading quickly in the busyness of cluttered lives. Let's face it, we are all quickly forgotten, and frankly, it's time for me to stop examining my father's life and start looking at my own again, because only what I've done for Christ will really matter. "Your work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. (Oh no). If what you have built survives, you will receive your reward. If it is burned up, you will suffer loss; you yourself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames." (1 Corinthians 3:13-15). Yikes. I could be in some serious trouble. Especially considering the past couple of years.
How about you? Where are you at in all of this? Do we need to repent together? "Lord, help me to get myself back on track. Lord, help me to put You first in everything I do, whether I'm eating, drinking, changing diapers, or whatever I do. Restore unto me the joy of my salvation, and help me to understand again that the point of my life is to always be pointing toward You." AMEN Labels: faith, faithfulness, fathers |
